September 8, 2013
Today I turn 59. Most at this age are looking forward to retire; I’ve only just begun.
From the discord evident in the world, all of us in leadership roles are being challenged and called forth to balance and integrate polarities and opposing viewpoints as two sides of the same coin. This integration is only realized through love. In celebration of the life I’ve been gifted, I explore the spectrum of love in human experience and what it means in leadership and life. I offer these distinctions to provide contrast to our perceptions and offer alternative choices. As you read what follows, I invite you to join the celebration and reflect on your own direct experience of the spectrum of love. I’ve included some questions to prompt your own inquiry. With this awareness, I also invite you to create a present for yourself, a new “story” for your own lifetime that is pre-sent into creation; Love brings life into form.
How we view and express love in life, how we relate to others, is how we will be as leaders. Said another way, “leadership” is a direct reflection and expression of our consciousness of love.
There seems to be around 4 “forms” of love (maybe it’s 3; maybe 5 or 6). I don’t like the word “form” because it suggests finite definition and life is a continuous process of growth and mastery. Growth can be “messy” as we express more than one “form” at any given time. I am sharing these observations as points of reflection for your own experience, which is the only way we truly know anything. These forms are progressions into a deeper and expanded sense of self and ones relationship with life; a progression of love from separate identity into unity consciousness and wholeness. The descriptions are far from complete and comprehensive; they offer a place to begin self-reflection.
It’s All About Me
One form of love centers around the development of our ego identity, the creation of our self-concept, generally as infants and small children (e.g., the “terrible twos”). Everything is experienced in relationship to what it “does” to/for me; it’s a relationship based in what I get. Later in life we call this narcissistic, arrogant and self-absorbed; life revolves around preserving and protecting our individual identity. At an extreme, one feels isolated and this alienation is frequently associated with sociopathic behavior that is destructive to life (e.g., the Aurora, CO and Sandy Hook gunmen, Boston bombers and some well-known dictators). Self-love in this form is about ensuring protection and nurturing of our physical and psychological experience: We love those who focus on and take care of us. Within this form, one is dependent on what they receive from life experiences for any sense well-being.
“Leaders” in this form of love are the “hub” of their own universe; and it seems that many, if not most, dictators exemplify this form of love.
What’s In It For Me?
The second form of love centers around approval and validation that we are safe and secure based the rules dictated by our “tribes” and cultural conditioning; we do what others say we should do. This form of love is reactive and based in fear of rejection which we endeavor to avoid. It is generally about what one can “get” for what one gives. Relationships become object-to-object as one hides behind roles and masks of our self-concept/ego identity. It is characterized by our common understanding of love as attraction, affection, approval, and attachment to what we believe and what we can get from others and the situation. Attachments are perceived needs for someone or something outside of us that are required to complete us, bring us happiness, etc. We seek wholeness and fulfillment, looking for love from outside ourselves.
We strive to belong through external/surface connections as an unconscious acknowledgment of our innate unity, and this form of love generates polarities, opposites, competition, and conflict: “us” versus “them” thinking and actions. It is a reinforcement of self-concept in relation to others; self-love is self-validation, fixated on approval, security and control. We love those who agree with and are like us (in-group); everyone else is an “outsider”, not trusted or valued and generally “trashed.”
Within this form, one manages life based on familial and societal roles and rules and logic based on appearances (left brain). If one takes on as their primary life role being defined to reinforce these rules, one remains subservient to these rules and blocked from their own realized potential.
In this form of love, management is equated with leadership, primarily based on position or role, interacting with others using power and control. This is the prevailing view of leadership today: Leaders take a stand on a position and seek to control the life experience of others and whoever gets the most followers, “wins.” The irony of this is that the positions and concepts we hold have no inherent power; they only power they have over us is the power we give to them.
I have lived both these forms very well.
Illuminations of The Dark Night
These first two forms of love are based in our conditioning, with rules and roles externally defined. We are looking outside of ourselves to validate the connection to life that is within. We go through life seeking praise and avoiding punishment or anything the mind perceives as unpleasant. In every moment we either allow our natural state of love or we resist in fear with needs, wants, desires, expectations, judgments, positions, or opinions.
Ask yourself: Who are you without the labels of man, woman, wife, husband, teacher, student, Conservative, Liberal, Christian, Muslim, and all the belief structures and roles that we take on that are not our inherent human nature? When you take off all these masks and garments, who are you? How many of us lose our life, giving ourSelves to needs, wants, and expectations defined by others or by default to our roles? If it’s about you getting security, support, control, kudos, it’s ego. We kill ourselves and destroy humanity when our identity is reduced to roles and labels.
Opinion, is neither real nor true; it is what we opine (wish) for life to be. Opinions are what we have not personally and directly experienced (within) but what we take on as real. Truth is what remains when all of our opinions, definitions and positions are dropped. Our opinions and beliefs blind us to life; we miss Life, miss Love and create an experience that is not “real.” We see only what we believe. Love cannot move us if we hold positions and opinions. This results in competition, divisiveness, resentment, violence, and war.
If our beliefs about love are of the first two forms, centered on our ego identity, we see leading as love as incompatible and unattainable. When we shift from autopilot into consciousness, drop the need for approval in order feel belongingness and connection, of giving to get, and attachment to outcome, we recognize that love is our realized potential. Leaders invite all into this realized potential. Every time we diminish another, we diminish our own dignity and well-being as a human being.
At some point we start to ask: Is this what (external rules) life is about? We start to commit to be the “best” person, human being that we can. We also begin to consider our legacy: What do we want to contribute to humanity?
As our relationship to life expands and deepens, ego relaxes and loses its need for definition and control. Intuition (right holistic brain) and heart take over and we increasingly choose to live in self-awareness: Who am I, really? Who do I choose to be right here, right now?
Who Am I Being?
A third form of love is entering into conscious relationship where the dignity of every human being and all of life matters and is valued. This is characterized by care, understanding and respect and being consciously present and responsive to ensure the well-being of oneself AND others. It is about tolerance and acceptance with focus on reaching our full potential. It is an attitude and approach (philosophy) for how one lives their life. Love is an intention, a deep value that permeates ones entire life. It is living without opinions, expectations, judgments or control. It is the dismantling of the self-concept in relationship to others towards one of contribution and service. Within this form, one leads ones own life, owning that we each create our own life experience and what we give is what we receive back, a mirror of our own beingness, consciousness. Self-love becomes conscious self-reflection; we consciously see ourselves reflected in others.
There is nothing “soft” about this love; it’s a steadfast commitment to honesty and truth with a willingness to be humble and vulnerable that requires great courage and strength. It is human being-to-human being intimacy and authenticity that generates a power that comes forth when one drops all the masks, pretenses and conditioning and one is fully present. This is the source of “influence”, not to subscribe to something outside of oneself, but to step into personal power and mastery to be oneself. This is the love of true leadership. From this, leaders can be described as those who influence, inspire and enable others to be fully who they are, to reach their full potential: Leading as Love. What’s hilarious is that the origin of the word “influence” that we use so much and take for granted with leadership is: “streaming ethereal power from the stars acting upon the character or destiny of wo/men” and to “flow in, to and on” (as in “being in the flow.”) Herein lies the truth.
Leading as Love is not limited by position or role. We lead, truly influence life, when we are the best we can be as human beings. Doing so, we help all to achieve our universal dream of dignity and well-being. Love is about giving everyone back to themSelves. Identification with labels and opinions gets put aside. This results in cooperation and collaboration. Giving is receiving. We give to others what we are grateful to receive as a human being. This is service; serving Life. Leaders engage with each individual as a whole human being.
As our conscious choice for an intention of love deepens in experience, another form of love begins to naturally emerge and unfold as an expanded awareness of life, that all is One.
Love Is All That Is
A fourth form of love is unity consciousness; a conscious awareness that all of life is one and interdependent. Love is the inherent unity in Life. No matter what the mind may label “good” or “evil” we see the inherent truth that it’s all Love. It is love as who one is; love is what we are. This is about allowing life to unfold with reverence, appreciation, gratitude, and contentment. Love in this form IS life; it is our natural state/condition. This is the consciousness of non-duality – to live our true nature – spirit in matter, our essence as unconditioned-love. Love holds no opinions or viewpoints. To truly engage and experience life as it is, is the experience of love, joy, peace and unity. Love is a wide-open mind and heart. Receiving (from that which we are) is giving to life. It is the direct experience of the truth of Love.
With Love as all that is, concepts such as leadership can fall away as no longer relevant or necessary. All concepts of “self” dissolve in unity with Source, the life-force. There is no “object” to love; one recognizes Self and all in Life as a flow of Love. Attuned to the flow of Life, of Love, we are rose petals in the desert wind, carried gracefully, effortlessly without resistance or attachment, landing gently and lending our fragrance to Life’s experience.
Leading is the spaciousness that allows the flow of Life, balancing and integrating the polarities, dualities. It is being wide open, with the trust to allow life to lead us as an extension and ever-expansion of Source, of Love. Self-Love is Self-Realization; Universal Leadership for our universal humanity.
Focus always expands. Where is your focus in the spectrum of Love?
The Blessings of Love in Life
Individually and collectively, life is a reflection of our consciousness. So, what does life look like when we see Love in all of our experiences? Here are a few blessings that I received (perceived) in the past few weeks.
I Am The Barking Dog
The neighbor across the street rents this house to vacationers; it is directly on the Niantic River with deep water dockage. Late one afternoon, I became aware of a barking dog. It appeared that everyone staying there went out around dinner time (there were no cars left in the driveway) and left a dog inside with the slider open. After about an hour I was pretty annoyed; with both the noise and with leaving a dog alone in an unfamiliar place. I actually went out on our patio and yelled to the dog to be quiet. As I was walking back to my office to finish what I was doing, I understood: The dog was reflecting my own beliefs about myself. As soon as I said aloud, “I am the barking dog”, became one with the dog, it stopped and didn’t bark again for the next week and a half.
I Am A Praying Mantis
Those of you who are FB friends, may remember I recently changed my “banner” to a photo of a praying mantis hanging out on the inside of the slider to our patio. Here is the story. While getting dinner, I noticed a praying mantis on the threshold of the patio door. Since one sat on my head as a child and I lost my fear, they are my favorite! While throwing the ball for Moriah in our afternoon ritual when I am home, I kept stepping over the mantis. All of the sudden it disappeared. Oh well. The next morning I noticed that the mantis was on the inside of the patio door. As I took its picture, it followed my movements with its head. I decided it was best outside where it could fend for itself, so gently tried to nudge it into a container. It jumped out and scampered back to the door; I didn’t think it could move so fast. I eventually got it out the door and across the patio into the bushes.
Mantis brings a message and blessing of stillness and when prompted, fast motion. In addition, from their life-style, we learn that they eat other insects and spiders generally by ripping their heads off! (I’ve been known to do this on more than one occasion.) And the word “mantis” is from the Greek, meaning “prophet”, affirming what I know to be true for my life.
I Am The Clearing of the Trees
Last week contractors came to remove a number of trees that were close to the house and along the road that concerned Alexander after storms Irene and Sandy. As they came down, I made note of the spaciousness and light that was emerging. These contractors are amazing; they take trees down very precisely and gracefully, starting at the top of the tree, cutting and laying each section gently on the ground with a crane before putting the tops and branches into the chipper and carefully stacking potential timber to one side.
As I watched them take down the last one near the house, a very large, rotting tree I started weeping tears of sorrow, gratitude and truth: I am witnessing the story of my life for the last 8 years since moving here. My identity/ego being dismantled in the same way, very precisely, very gracefully, very gently, opening the spaciousness of being hOMe, leaving roots of strength (oak) and balance, harmony and peace (elm); the chips returned to cover the earth from wence they came. As the final part of the trunk of the tree was cut and “carried” to its place, Moriah came into the room where I was watching, wretched and vomited… like I did for much of my childhood when I became stressed. It is done. Trees are sentinels and beacons of Life, of Love.
I am grateful that these contractors came to the trees with great love, great reverence – care, understanding, respect and presence. This is how life has come to me. Alexander chose this clearing for us; there was no discussion, I just said yes. In his own way, this is Alexander’s acknowledgement of who we have become. Life is sacred; we are One.
Simultaneously, I have had much inner revelation. The big one is the realization that I have held directly conflicting energies reflected in several close relationships: both a strong desire for unity and an outright rejection of unity. How many of us feel this way?
We Are Avatars
A number of you chafe at my saying we are divine: God, Christ, Buddha, Krishna… So, can you entertain that we are avatars, embodiments of aspects of divinity? These are the virtues of our humanity. And we can choose which “icon” we want to emanate as part of our lives? Mine is love, compassionate truth. What is yours: peace, joy, grace, perfection, harmony? The choice lives in your heart waiting to be asked into your life.
As humans, we are uniquely given the capacity of being self-aware and reflective and making conscious choices in our lives. Where do you focus your consciousness? On creating from the avatar within or in reaction to the external illusion of separation?
A Birthday Gift to Myself
I am a “troublemaker.” I delight in disrupting lives with inconvenient truths about who we are and what life and we are about. Nearly 30 years ago I wrote an award-winning article entitled: Improving Agency Performance, It Starts with You. While its target audience was insurance managers (note the words of security and control – insurance + manager), the essential truth is the same: leading others is about how we live and lead our own lives. Leading is about who we are as human beings.
When I wrote this article, I worked at LIMRA and my role was labeled, “Scientist.” I really wanted to be “wizard,” complete with a pointed hat and wand. In keeping with this spirit, moving forward I choose to be known as a “Sourc-eress,” reminding and connecting us individually and collectively with our Source, the life-force of Love within. The form, what I “do”, will emerge as life unfolds and Source invites us forward and directs the unique flow of Love in each situation. It also feels “right” that I am more a midwife for hearts to become ones own midwife; calling forth the avatar within each of us. You might say I midwife the avatar in the spaciousness of self-discovery to be OneSelf, the One Self. This is holding the spaciousness for the human condition and experience to be acknowledged, accepted, balanced, and integrated. As a “prophet”, I give voice and movement to the stillness of the heart – instilling receptive action from the avatar within.
Later today, I will toast the universe with a glass of champagne and enjoy the spaciousness that Life has brought forth.
Ready or not, here I come! May blessings be!
Collectively we create our life experience. The purpose of leading is to bring people together in a common cause – to create unity in diversity. It should be clear by now that the use of force does not unite. Only the power of love can dissolve what separates us and move us forward – Leading as Love. The only way we can unite and make progress is through love. 
